(unfinished version)

I have been very challenged to see how closely physical symptoms and spiritual realities are connected in my life. I think I am coming to a better understanding of how wholistic and integrated God is and how he is so practical and relevant for every part of my life. Not only that, but he is passionately interested in my life. He is revealing himself to me as my loving father even more with very clear words and pictures. He is continuing to teach me how to walk in sanctification and what that really means. He is teaching me to fight the battle that is in my mind, the war of thoughts. I am starting to ask myself where my thoughts are coming from: from him, myself, or the enemy. I need to humble myself each day to say, "God, I just want to hear your voice. "
I have been asking God to show me the roots of my "issues" and he revealed to me that I've let rejection and unloving/self-bitterness rule inside of me for years. He had been showing me pieces of this, like a puzzle, and then all the sudden it just all came together one day while I was sitting in class. That night I went to a prayer meeting with five of my classmates... suposably we were going to pray about finances, but when we started to pray we all just started confessing our sins and repenting and asking God to take out the things burried deep inside of us that we can't see. I started crying, praying "God I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to get rid of this. But I can't stand having this any more. I can't live rejecting myself and being bitter towards myself any more." I was wailing out loud, but in my heart I was saying, "I need you. I need you. I need you. Come fill me. I need you in every part of me." In an instant my wailing litterally turn into laughing. I felt that God had manifested his presence in the entire room. His spirit filled my body. A deep, uncontrolable laugh worked it's way trough my body- healing every part of me. It was like vomiting pills, without the bad taste. Something was coming out of me. Everyone was praying out thier hearts, thanking God for his presence. I asked him, "What do I do now?" Right away he gave me the picture of when Jesus went to heal the religious leader's sick daughter. When he arrived, she was already dead. Everyone was mourning around her and they tried to tell Jesus that he was too late. Jesus took her hand and said "Little girl, get up." She woke up and got out of bed. He was saying to me, "I can make you alive, but you are the one who has to get up and live. "
I forgave myself that night, but I do also understand that each and every day I need to give myself the grace and acceptance that my good, loving daddy gives me. Every morning, when I look into the mirror, I need to ask "God, how do you see me? That is how I want to see myself today." I am walking with my father and we are organizing all the thing inside of me that have been so mixed-up and out of place. This is annother important chapter in the story, but please don't let me stay here. He has so much more to do. This is the unfinished version.